Note 7 ☕️

Hello anxiety to the 10th power

Panic.

I can’t find my prescription bottle of prednisone. Fear. Pain and arthritis reverberate through my bones. Joints feel like I’m trudging through quicksand in the never-ending desert.

Out of town for a work trip in the desert, I packed my overnight bag and medications meticulously. A few days earlier I could barely walk. The sores on my hands and feet were painful. That’s discoid lupus. Lupus rash. My rheumatologist added 10mg of prednisone to my medication regimen until a new lupus medication was authorized by my insurance.

Essentially I live in-between three worlds. The first world is who I believe I am. The purpose me. The growing me. The struggling me. Past present and future. It’s the amalgamation of who I am. The second world is the presentation to others. This includes what I show to those around me, personally and professionally.

The third world is lupus. It gets its own world and I’m not fond of it blending with the other two worlds. The third world includes the lupus journey, from my work as my snazzy, exhausted personal assistant, to calling doctors, remembering appointments, and following up with all the people in this world. Unless I’m extremely fatigued, I am my own chauffeur to the lab, doctor appts and pretty much everywhere else. My mom is traveling with me most times. I’m grateful for her presence. I am my advocate when I need to push for additional testing or if I have questions (which I almost always do). I am my motivation coach and dietician and researcher. Doctors, nurses, therapists, coaches, pharmacists. They all live in this world. Thankfully we don’t live in the same house, or I would have bailed long ago :).

Within the lupus world is also my relationship with lupus and what I feel and think about it. From mirror moments of frustration to another annoying topical medication, I have lived with lupus nearly 20 years, and I am laser focused on ensuring I successfully navigate the third world.

It’s my second job and it provokes fatigue.

It’s no wonder that laundry, dishes and pretty much everything household (even my makeup drawer) might come last on my list of priorities. My head and calendar are full of must-do yesterday.

Ok, back to this panic and anxiety vortex. Perhaps you’ll identify.

If you take prescription medications for any condition and it’s time to travel, there are very few things worse than discovering you left the medicine behind. When the prescription is one you have to take to keep going and minimize pain and flaring, it’s an epic disappointment when it’s not in any of the luggage.

Helloooooooooo. Where is it?!

And it’s not like I had a bunch of luggage this time. I was determined to lighten my load because the pain in my joints was strikingly, unexpectedly noticeable. I wasn’t up to pour more fuel on the fire.

By noon, the day I traveled for a work trip, I sat in my office out of town in the desert. I was between clients. Joint pain and fatigue increased significantly. I reached in my medicine bag under my desk and looked for my bottle of prednisone. No prednisone.

In walked a client, on time. There are times I want clients to be late. This day was a “please be late or reschedule” day. I set an ambitious schedule to see 10 new clients in 36 hours. With a sigh, I leaped into therapist mode, in pain and unable to continue looking for the prednisone. It consumed my thoughts.

Right now you may be thinking I could have asked for a few mins to continue looking or apologized and rescheduled. You’d be right. Crushing the hustle mentality is a daily work, and acknowledging it is half the battle. However, the medicine was definitely not in my backpack nor my suitcase, nor my toiletries bag inside my suitcase.

A few hours later, a client messaged me that forgot her scheduled appointment. Success! Though I was looking forward to the connection, I was now at a 5/6 on the pain scale and heading upward. I was screaming inside, and emotionless on the outside. No one would know, unless they deeply knew and understood me.

My negative thoughts began to spiral downward into the dark abyss.

I’m in the desert. There’s no CVS near here. I have to drive 10 miles to the nearest one. It’s dark soon. I’m not trying to be out there alone in the cold dark desert where the gas station doubles as a restaurant and fast food is nowhere to be seen. What if I can’t get the prednisone tonight. Maybe I should drive home and come back in the morning. Ugh how could I not pack the one drug I need?! Omg I’m going to be sick!!!

Pain radiated through both hands up to my elbow. After heading to look under the seats in the car and in the back hatch. Checked all the pockets of the suitcase. Back inside, looking more and more. I called and asked my mom if she had seen it in the apartment. She did not. Then I stopped and prayed.

I prayed, “God, please help me find the prednisone.” It was a simple prayer. But, I was begging for relief. The pain was worse. I felt like quitting and leaving immediately. Taking a deep breath, I decided to look inside my lunch bag.

When I opened the bag, the prednisone was there! Prayer works. I had to slow down and breathe and suddenly there it was. God has never failed me.

While it took hours for me to feel better, I felt like a new woman. I saw all of the clients scheduled, even the one who forgot her appointment initially. And, I recognized my error was separating the prednisone from the rest of my medications.

The next day as I headed around the mountains once again, leaving the desert, I made a promise to myself to pray before freaking out.

I might not always remember to have a chat with God in the toughest moments I face, but I try and try again.

That’s life.

Please share and leave some love and a review on my Wall Of Love.